‘Should I advise my teenager about making friends?’

Question: My teenager struggles making friends and this is something that upsets her. When I watch her interact with other teenagers I can see the ways in which she acts that push people away (eg, talking mostly about television programmes/music that she loves, using very over the top language (everything is the best thing ever).

Should I give her (unsolicited) advice on this, or is it better for her confidence to just let her be who she is?

Answer: As a parent it is hard to watch our teens struggle in friendships particularly when we notice the ways they are behaving that might be contributing to the problems. You are right to be hesitant about giving unsolicited advice as this could easily come across as critical and judgmental and may inadvertently damage your daughter's confidence. The key is to think how can you support her more positively in developing her social skills.

Here are some ideas

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1) Praise her good social qualities. Get in a habit of praising all her positive social qualities: “You have great positive energy – that is what people love about you.”

2) Take an interest in her friends. Encourage her to talk about her friends and listen without judgment as she shares details. Ask questions and invite her to open up and tell you more.

3) Listen for positives. As she talks, listen carefully for any signs of the social skills you think might help her: “It was great the way you listened to what your friend wanted to do – that is the sign of a good friend.” Be positive about any friendship skills she demonstrates even to a small extent

4) Listen to her feelings. If she identifies a problem, don’t immediately jump in and correct – instead listen first to her feelings. For example, if a friend has not called or seems to have rejected her, rather than saying “That is because you were a bit pushy”, acknowledge her feelings: “That is a pity that your friend didn’t call, you must be disappointed.”

5) Explore solutions using questions. Rather than immediately giving advise use questions to help your daughter think through what might be happening. How do you think your friend was feeling? What do you think was going on for her? What might be the best thing to do next?

6) Talk about friendship skills generally. Sometimes it works best to address things indirectly through third-party conversations. For example, when it comes up naturally in conversation you could ask her: “What do you think is best way to make a friend? How important is it to listen to them?” etc. Or when watching a TV show together you could ask: “Why do you think that girl fell out with her friend? What do you think she could have done differently?”

7) Share your own experiences. Rather than getting advice, teens often prefer to hear about their parents life experiences and how they learned things. For example, you might say: “When I was younger I was a bit too bossy with my friends and it did not go down well – but I learned to listen and that helped.” Alternatively, discuss a friendship problem you have had in the past and ask her for advice!

8) Cushion advice with positives. If you do want to provide direct advice, ask permission to do this and make sure to cushion it with lots of praise. For example, after listening to her talk about a problem, you can say: “Would you like to hear what I think?” and if she says yes, pick out all she has done well so far, before you suggest what she might do next.

– John Sharry is a founder of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology. He is delivering a series of free parenting workshops called "Supporting children and teenagers mental health during the Covid crisis". See solutiontalk.ie for details.